SCENE 1: ALLAH, BUDDHA and GOD sit on three sides of a square table (CS). On the table is the board game The Game of Life. They are mid-game. They sit facing the board between them. On the left side of the table, on the floor, are some empty beer cans. The other is home to empty GlenLivit soldiers, some long dead, victims from the early stages of battle. A just-filled martini glass, four green olives speared on a toothpick soaked in alcoholic haze resting against one side, is perched precariously on the edge of the field of play on the right side of the board. Potato chip wrappers, unpopped popcorn seeds, cracker crumbs and a half-eaten hero litter their surroundings. An old couch (DSL) is cluttered with newspapers, old board games, discarded clothes and more fast-food containers. Food wrappers and empty bottles litter the set. GOD sits in the middle seat, ALLAH on her right, BUDDHA on her left. They are dressed casually. An overflowing ashtray sits on the edge of the table. A calendar hangs on the wall, set to April. Behind Buddha (SL) is an arrangement of potted plants, giving him a lush green background. Tiki torches rise from some of them. Amidst them is a small tiki bar (this can also be done with a lush painted screen and a small table to hold snacks and soda). Behind Allah (SR) is a Lawrence of Arabia-esque tent with a small dark-stained wood executive-looking bar inside holding martini makings. (this can also be done with a painted screen with a table or portable bar in front of it). Behind God is a military cot with a blanket and pillow on it, in ready-for-inspection perfection, a weight bench, and a military trunk that serves as a bar, with several bottles of scotch on it. There are three doors, one CSL, one USR, one USC. DSR is a small table with papers scattered around it, papers piled on top, and an assortment of pens and pencils. SEUSS is sitting at this table, writing furiously, looking frazzled.
BUDDHA: (Rubbing his stomach while burping, tossing a food wrapper on the floor) We’ve been doing this a long time. I told you there was no way one of us would be able to annihilate the others. We don’t have it in us. (He looks behind him, sighs, then gets up and wanders to the tiki bar to grab a fresh beer and a DingDong. He throws the wrapper on the floor then moves back to the table, standing behind his chair.)
ALLAH: Ah, but we do. We create, and we can destroy. It’s that perfect yin and yang thing. Everything in balance. It’s nice they gave it a name like that… it slips right off the tongue, doesn’t it? (playing with the olives in his martini while he speaks)
GOD: (sipping at her glass of scotch before speaking) I think that was one of their better ideas. Now… the ketchup bottle… what the hell was that about? A terrible idea… and the Epilady? You have no idea how many times my name was bashed about by ladies in bathrooms because of the Epilady. I felt like a traitor, even though it wasn’t my doing.
ALLAH: (arches one eyebrow at God)You should have written different laws to begin with. You really did give them too much responsibility, but I told you that right from the beginning. Don’t let them make all these decisions for themselves, but would you listen to me? Noooo. The hair is there for a reason.
SEUSS: (speaking contemplatively to no one as he writes) Hair bear, bear hair, long hair, short hair, dark hair, fair hair… hair beware, leave hair there…
(BUDDHA moves to behind SEUSS, watching him, then gives ALLAH and GOD a worried look, shaking his head, then moving back to sit in his chair)
ALLAH: (glaring at SEUSS but still talking to GOD) They should leave it alone. Don’t mess with that stuff, you know. (sucking the olives into his cheeks, speaks as he chews). Now, the one that amazes me: Sperm whales.
SEUSS: Tales of whales, hairs of bears, epiderms and whales of sperm, perm your hair, whales and bears…
BUDDHA: (turns to look at SEUSS again, shaking his head) I don’t know about this one. He’s not even on anything.
ALLAH: (to SEUSS) Would you shut up!
GOD: (casually) Don’t you get mad at Seuss. He’s here to record what we say… for the holy records. Let him do his work. He’s the best we’ve had so far.
ALLAH: (throwing one more nasty look at SEUSS then turning back to the game, GOD and BUDDHA) Where was I? Oh, yes, we give them great animals with some great attributes and a perfectly fitting name, and still they don’t get it. What the hell is the point of creating something to make people smile when they just don’t use their imaginations? Seriously… sperm whales! How can anyone say that without laughing?
BUDDHA: (giggling) I can’t keep a straight face when it comes to that holy cow stuff. Talk about taking a passing comment to extremes. Someone gets shocked, makes a stupid comment and BOOM…. Next thing you know, it’s the law.
SEUSS: (mumbling quietly) One cow, two cow, red cow, blue cow…
GOD: (resigned) I don’t understand it. Let the babies starve while they worship a cow.
BUDDHA: Or a pig… it’s the other white meat.
GOD: (raising a finely shaped eyebrow at BUDDHA) It makes no sense to me. It’s the same thing with that whole celibate business. I was talking to fishermen at the time. They had a great idea for bringing in the fish. I wanted them to market it, told them to sell a bit of it… next thing you know, that buffoon in Rome…
ALLAH: (laughing, trying to speak at the same time) The best… really… mosquitoes. Noah had the perfect opportunity handed to him on a platter, and that puissant little dope didn’t take it. (turning to look at God directly) You sure knew how to pick em.
(GOD snaps her fingers then holds up her glass for a refill. ROYCE enters USC door with a towel draped over one arm, a silver platter with a bottle of scotch in his hand.)
BUDDHA: (Looking over his shoulder, distracted, snapping his fingers repeatedly) Where the hell is my help?
(ROYCE pours while GOD speaks)
GOD: (ignoring BUDDHA) Yes, Noah – there’s another fairy tale run amok…
ROYCE: But one hell of a good song came from it… if you like unicorns.
ALLAH: (dismissively) We didn’t. Another abomination… they would have ended up like the rhinos anyway. A man sees a horn on something’s face and instantly thinks one thing. (he pushes ROYCE back with a wave of his hand.)
(ROYCE returns the bottle to the trunk then stands at ease behind GOD)
GOD: What I will never understand is why forty days and forty nights. Why is everything either forty something or seven something. Forty days of floods, forty days of starving… yeah, right… seven sins, seven virtues. They show no imagination at all. (spins the dial and moves her little car playing piece) Damn. I have to pay $15,000 insurance? I hate insurance.
BUDDHA: Another of those not so good ideas, I hate to admit. (he looks at his now empty beer can and snaps his fingers some more, looking over his shoulder for his assistant)
ALLAH: (watching BUDDHA with mild amusement) There is a special place for those insurance people. The virgins waiting for them will all be angry, over-testosteroned sumo wrestlers.
BUDDHA: (with a resigned sigh, he stands, walks back to his bar and looks for a beer) Ohh, that’s nasty. What the hell is with those little diapers anyways? That makes no sense. (he finds no beer, so picks up a bottle of water, looks at it with disappointment then screws off the lid as he returns to his seat, tossing the lid on the floor)
GOD: (Deadpans) It makes about as much sense as Da Vinci putting such little penises on his statues and paintings. I have no idea where he was looking when he did that, but it was definitely not how I made em.
ALLAH: (shakes his head) Just a minute. (ALLAH stands and crosses behind SEUSS, reads over his shoulder for a minute then points to where SEUSS is writing) You have one too many Es in penis. (he looks over his shoulder at God) I knew he would get that wrong. (ALLAH straightens and strolls pensively back to his chair) Thank us there are not a lot of words that rhyme with penis. As small as they were on the statues, you still had people running around the “Holy City” (he makes air quotes with his fingers and giggles as he says Holy City) whacking them off for the sake of morality. Puleeease.
GOD: Holy City? Don’t even get me started on that!
BUDDHA: (Giggles) Oh oh. Here she goes again!
SEUSS: (to himself, contemplating for a moment with the end of the pen to his lips.) Holy city? Holey city, holey socks, holey holes, whack off cocks. (he smiles, satisfied, and starts to write again) Cocks with socks, cocks of rock, take them down, make them frown…
GOD: Well, for the sake of all that is rightfully holy, where do they get off? The place where the Crusades started. The place where ghettos were invented… to house the Jews… their own fecking people! Not to mention how they managed to provide the quintessential definition of perverted sick abuse and hypocrisy, hurting how many innocents along the way!
ALLAH: It’s a nice city… (he holds up his empty martini glass. 69 appears with a fresh drink in a glass, the required olives inside. She takes the empty glass in one hand, then bends down to light ALLAH’s cigar) Vatican City is rather nice too. (he watches for GOD’s reaction, a smile tickling the corners of his lips)
(BUDDHA again snaps his fingers impatiently, looking over his shoulder.)
69: (speaking sweetly) A Sodom and Gomorrah by any other name…? (she kisses ALLAH on the nose, turns to show her bare back side then exits into the tent)
GOD: Seriously? (she glares at ALLAH) The Holiest Holy City? Get real. (she turns to BUDDHA) It’s your turn.
BUDDHA: (pouting) I’m out of beer.
(GOD claps her hands. DOLLY crashes through SR door, adjusting her clothes as she does so. She looks nervously at the table. GOD raises her hand to her mouth, mimicking drinking a beer. DOLLY frowns, then suddenly understands, nods and fumbles at the bar)
BUDDHA: (still pouting) About time. (BUDDHA spins then moves his playing piece.) Oh oh… off to visit the new in-laws. I hope they like me.
ALLAH: Oh, for the love of us, everyone loves you. You’re the peace-nik, the gentle one, the love and sunshine up your butt one. How could they not love you?
DOLLY: (rushing with the beer, she trips and dumps part of it on BUDDHA. She then tries to use the hem of her dress to wipe up the beer on BUDDHA’s lap) He’s a lover… definitely. Definitely a lover…
(BUDDAH pushes DOLLY away. DOLLY straightens, dejected, and goes back to the tiki bar to await his next wish)
BUDDHA: Oh, you would be surprised. (he claps his hands, and LANA enters USL. She stands behind him, and begins to massage his shoulders and neck) They always seem upset that I’m not fat. They always look disappointed that they won’t be able to rub my tummy or something. (GOD and ALLAH start to laugh) Rub my tummy? Where do they come up with this shit? Do I look like a damned dachshund?
LANA: (stops massaging to look at BUDDHA’s ears, then gives him a quick once-over) Well, now that you mention it…
BUDDHA: (Slapping LANA’s hand) I didn’t ask you! (LANA resumes the massage. BUDDHA turns to ALLAH) …Which, by the way…
(BUDDHA pushes LANA away. She throws a critical eye at ROYCE, displaying some jealousy, then mimics his at-ease pose behind BUDDHA)
BUDDHA: …is something else not to be bragged about. Making up critters out of left over parts takes frugal to a bit of an extreme. Platypuses are another one… cute as heaven, but really? We could have done better on that stuff.
ALLAH: (grabs the dice and rolls) While we’re on the topic of totally screwed up interpretation, what the hell is that whole halo thing about? And why just you? Don’t the rest of us deserve a little bling? (moves his playing piece) Oh, look. I get to find a new species of animal. I wonder how long it will take them to wipe this one out?
GOD: I was just having a particularly good hair day and they thought it looked like a halo. What can I say? Even I have my gifted moments, you know. Be kind to them; they have simple minds. They still believe I did it all in one day… the earth, the animals… they can take decades to build a pointy pile of rocks in the desert, but I have to do it all in one day? They don’t get that whole thing about relativity.
ALLAH: (smugly) A day lasts one hell of a long time when you haven’t invented the sun yet, doesn’t it? It creates a lot of wiggle room when you submit the reports.
GOD: (jumping out of her seat, knocking her chair over, leaning forward with an accusatory finger in ALLAH’s face. ROYCE is instantly beside her, assuming a combative position) Hey! We had a deal! I don’t snitch about your sham virgin thing – 69 there notwithstanding …
ROYCE: I got your back, G.
ALLAH: She is my favorite of the 72 virgins.
GOD: (still in ALLAH’s face) …and you don’t blab about the six days thing.
ALLAH: I didn’t come up with the virgin gig. That was their own idea.
GOD: (backing off slowly)Yeah, but you still haven’t corrected them about it, have you? (she straightens her clothes then nods to ROYCE) Down, boy. (She gives him a provocative wiggle of her eyebrow)
(ROYCE stares at ALLAH, V’s his fingers, points them at his own eyes then turns them to point at ALLAH’s, warning that he will be watching. ALLAH exaggeratedly mocks fear then sips his martini . ROYCE picks up the chair and holds it while GOD sits back down. She lets a finger slide over his bare chest, then down his tight abs. her voice becomes throaty.) You are some of my best work… you and your brothers in arms. (She squeezes ROYCE’s bicep) Hmm mmm, and what arms they are!
ROYCE: (growling seductively and flexing his muscles for her) Ohh-rah, baby.
ALLAH: (watching ROYCE and GOD patiently, his index finger tapping on his chin. He waits until GOD is seated before he speaks. ROYCE stands at ease behind GOD). Now, hang on a minute there, Princess, and let me have my secretary draft up a memo for them. (he signals to 69, who comes forward, memo pad in hand. He pushes away from the table slightly, taps his knee and she sits down on his lap, crosses her legs and prepares to write. He cops a feel of her backside as he speaks to her) Make of note of that virgin issue… you and I will deal with it later.
GOD: (Sighs audibly) Really, Allah? Now?
ALLAH: (smiling and tapping 69 on the backside. She stands, he admires the view, then turns back to GOD) Sauce for the goose.
69: (winking over her shoulder at him) All worth a gander.
(ROYCE clicks his tongue and winks at 69)
GOD: Oh, for my sake!
BUDDHA: (stretches out his right hand to God) Pot… (stretches out his left hand to ALLAH)Kettle… (his hand bobs as he presents ALLAH again) Kettle… (he does likewise for GOD) Pot. Perhaps you’ve met already?
ALLAH: Oh, get off your high horse. Besides, that book of yours has only virgins and whores in it… sets the bar pretty much out of reach for the rest of the female population, doesn’t it?