An author's mind can be a scary place. Other people might divide themselves between different hobbies; some authors divide themselves between different names. It is not to hide, but rather to help with voice, and to indulge in those other aspects of our lives that, well, might be surprising for our friends to know about. Enter my alter-ego, AmandaLyn, who faces life with at best an irreverent gusto. She would much rather be living in warmer climates where handsome men wear fewer clothes, and where cool drinks slide down very smoothly. She admits proudly to motherhood, however it is highly unlikely her children would be so quick to admit to their relationship to her.
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It could have been the perfect Christmas, spent as close to the North Pole as possible, with elves, reindeer and a sleigh, a workshop full of toys, and the aroma of fresh gingerbread wafting through the air. There was to be a pageant, brimming with local talent, real Hollywood directors, and some big name acts. What could possibly go wrong? With Bambi and Dash, and an inheritance at stake, just about everything! They were planning a quiet winter on the beach in Cuba, but what resulted is not your typical Christmas story. There are no Christmas miracles, no inspiring messages of hope and love, no adorable children. Not even the Christmas cookies are sweet. It's Dash and Bambi, and that is a recipe for Christmas disaster. Christmas may never be the same again.
COMING DECEMBER 2015
(A TWISTED LOOK AT SEX, RELIGION AND POLITICS... IN VERSE, OF COURSE)
Anthony Weiner's crotch-shots, Mylie's twerking, government not working and a boatload of stupidity fill our days and our newspapers. Perhaps it's time to put some of that into perspective - in poetry - that makes no pretense at being delicate, politically correct or even a bit cautious. Nothing is sacred in this collection of jabs and observations... not even baseball. Of course, it's not all jabs and pokes, but it's all delivered without hesitation, and oft with a tad of sarcasm.
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It's a 'Thelma and Louise meets Pulp Fiction' encounter when fugitive Dashiel Waitflaker hitches a ride with truck driving Bambi and her pink teacup poodle, Adolf. From the moment Dash climbs into the hot pink eighteen-wheeler, the battle lines are drawn. When Bambi alters Dash's appearance to help keep him out of jail, there is no doubt these two are headed from one disaster to another. After accidently hitting a weigh scale officer in the head, then hearing on the news the officer was found dead, the two share fugitive status. Certain that the mounties are in hot pursuit, their relationship takes a number of turns for the worse. The purchase of a winning scratch-and-win lottery ticket creates more mutual distrust between the two, solved only by a marriage performed by Bambi's hot cross-dressing friend. An escape from the honeymoon suite in a police SWAT van, the purchase of an ingrate talking pink cockatoo and the need for the Jaws of Life to rescue Bambi from a Tim Horton's Drive-Thru lane interfere with their plans to leave Canada.
A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE OPERA
Settled in Mexico, their lottery winnings spent, Bambi and Dash are slinging beer at the Pink Pagoda Burrito Bar and Beer Haus to the usual crowd of banditos and drug dealers. When Bambi's biological clock gets the best of her, she puts the moves on a new gringo and takes him upstairs for some chaka chaka. After many shots of tequila, she wakes up to find her almost-lover, an undercover drug cop, dead in the bed, and a gun-toting dealer is there to make sure Bambi dies as well. Dash saves the day, the dealer is shot and the two take off on another adventure, starting with a short ride in a Thing, detouring through a convent, lying about Dash's upcoming opera performance, rubbing elbows in a downtown Puerto Vallarta gay disco, and crashing a funeral, all while Bambi is convinced she is now with child. When they find a bag full of money under the dock, they are sure they have hit pay dirt, but need a way to escape the city, the cops, the nuns and the drug dealers who are all looking for revenge. A rusted trawler awaits them, so with Adolf, Jeb, and Bambi's newest pet Pepe the pink lizard, they sneak on board and take off to sea, bound for the sweet life in Hawaii.